I gained and lost a son on July 15, 2020.
My story began with the horrid words Bilateral Renal Agenesis. This was supposed to be the day I found out the gender; it was supposed to be a joyous day. I was not supposed to leave the hospital crying, but there I was with my head hanging in the palm of my hands.
I spent the day trying to understand what bilateral renal agenesis was and how it was caused.
A developing foetus begins growing its kidneys after 16 weeks gestation, and that allows amniotic fluid to develop. The foetus then breaths in the fluid to help develop its lungs. With undeveloped kidneys, my baby was missing his vital organs, kidneys, bladder and lungs. While in gestation, a foetus is kept alive through the mother’s umbilical cord, but without vital organs, a baby cannot survive. We were told that there were three main causes; genetics, chromosome mutation, or unexplained reasons. Our doctor threw his hands up and looked up to the ceiling as if to say, God did this! Our doctors left us with little hope for survival, so sadly we decided to terminate the pregnancy at 23 weeks.
This was the hardest decision we had ever made, but we knew it was in the baby’s best interest. We did not want to witness our baby boy struggling to breathe or suffer in the least. On July 15th, Milo Christian was born and he had a heartbeat for all of 3 hours. I am so grateful I got to spend those moments with him before he left us. As terrible and sad as it was to see him pass, I can at least say I knew what it felt like to hold my son while he was alive.
Not a day goes by that I don’t long to hold him in my arms again, and frankly, I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. I cry for him every day, and if my tears could bring him back, I would have a tub filled up by now. I don’t believe the void that has been left in my heart will ever be filled – but I do know I have to try my best to live somewhat of a normal life without him, for his sake.
We miss our baby angel Milo so much. My pain reminds me that he was here and he was real.
We will hold him in our hearts forever!