We had talked about having a baby from really early on in our relationship and we naturally got to a point where we both knew it was what we wanted to actually happen and started trying but without any pressure attached to it. The more our friends started to have babies, the more we realised just how much we wanted one and then realised it had been 2 years since I had come off the pill but nothing had happened. We decided to speak to our GP to see if there was potentially a problem.
Fast forward a few months and, whilst we awaited our referral, we fell pregnant! We couldn’t believe it. Sadly, the excitement was soon overtaken by crippling anxiety and worry. With the support of my incredible GP, we had an early scan. This began a roller-coaster of emotions as it was inconclusive; 3 days later a heartbeat and looking well and 2 weeks later, struggling to find the heartbeat and questioning the viability of the pregnancy. A week later, our worst fears were confirmed. Our baby was forever sleeping.
We had a missed miscarriage. Something I’d never heard of. I felt so disappointed in my own body that it couldn’t even recognise our baby was no longer alive.
We were given options to consider and initially we just needed time to process it so we tried to let nature takes its course. Unfortunately, this was not meant to be and I ended up having surgical management as we needed some level of closure after weeks of torture. This was really just the beginning of my recovery, both physically and mentally. I was broken. This was the hardest thing I had ever been through. On leaving the hospital, I was given a gift donated by Friends of Serenity. An angel keyring that I still carry with me to this day and some forget me not seeds that are flowered in our garden.
I cannot lie that the months that followed were some of the hardest of my life. I lost a sense of who I was. My husband and closest friends and family were my rocks. I wouldn’t have survived without them. It was really hard to navigate life, everyone around me was falling pregnant. For a while, I couldn’t even think about being pregnant again but once we started trying again, the frustration hit a whole new level that it wasn’t happening but it was for everyone else. Of course I wanted to be happy for my friends, but every announcement just made me feel that little bit more sad. After a year of trying, we reached out for help again.
The process started and we had our first appointment and some preliminary tests.
Amongst all of this, we were planning our wedding. My mum came up to visit and we chose my wedding dress. I felt like a princess! 2 days later, I just felt different. I took a test and low and behold, I was pregnant! We couldn’t believe it. What are the chances of the timing? Fortunately, we had a happy ending this time and brought home our beautiful baby boy in January 2022. He is the light of our lives.
I can’t lie, pregnancy after loss was tough. Tougher than I ever imagined it would be. Even through to labour as that wasn’t the most straightforward, but we got there and I will be forever grateful every day for how lucky we are.
I massively underestimated just how common baby loss is and the more people I speak to and share our story with, the more people I find who have been through it. I do feel more light is being shed on the subject but there’s still a way to go and I’m proud to share our story and talk about our first baby who will never be forgotten.
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